Male shaming in the modern workplace
This is a bizarre, sneaky and deceptive case of bullying and harassment. A case of direct discrimination by age and sex, because of stereotyping of men. In a seemingly diverse and inclusive environment, men tend to be perceived as the offending group and therefore become an easy target for personal attacks.
Normally, I am appreciative and respond well to criticism. I am happy to admit my mistakes and make adjustments. That’s the deception of this case, because bullying and harassment is delivered in the form of criticism against me.
I have an unusual personal life. I am a 40 years old man, and my girlfriend’s age is 20. I was hearing comments within the workplace that my relationship is 'disgusting' because of the age gap. Subsequently, I was unexpectedly invited to a meeting with a female employee from the HR department. She couldn’t tell me what I did wrong, yet assertively stated that I should not be talking about my personal life in the workplace because it is inappropriate and offensive. She continued saying that I am building a reputation for dating younger women, which is offensive towards older women. And that I moved on too quickly from my ex-fiance, stating that this means that I feel women are exchangeable. If I wasn’t a man or my age wasn’t 40, I don’t think such comments would have been made.
Behind the scenes, the General Manager of the company, who used to be the head of HR, decided to leverage her powerful position within the company to bully and harass me for an unknown reason. One way or another, she "pulled" two other employees along to file anonymous complaints against me. She then used an HR employee as her "puppet" to do the "dirty job" of forwarding discriminatory, insulting, intimidating, and threatening messages towards me from the position of authority of the HR.
As a window for harassment, the complaints were informal and anonymous. The informality of the complaints is used to avoid keeping a record of the harassment. The anonymity is used as an excuse not to reveal what I said that was wrong, with the argument that it could expose the complainant who wished to remain anonymous. This way, I am not given the chance to challenge the accusations, or reconsider my actions, or address a misunderstanding if there was any. There is no intention to help me fix my allegedly "wrong" behaviour. There is no willingness to allow me to understand what I said that was wrong. The HR employee does not know and does not want to hear my side of the story. Instead, she stated as facts that my behaviour and comments are rude, offensive, inappropriate and unacceptable in the workplace and that I need to work on changing that. Her actions were influenced by unconscious bias, also called 'stereotyping' (https://www.acas.org.uk/improving-equality-diversity-and-inclusion/unconscious-bias).
According to statistics, there is a percentage of the population who are sociopaths, sexist, racist, or homophobic. I have accepted the fact that such people exist in the general population and the workplace, and I am ok with it. What I do not accept, and where I believe the line has been crossed, is to let such people harass me or other colleagues in the workplace from a position of power and authority. While we don’t have to think in the same way, it is important to accept and treat each other with respect, especially in the workplace.
After the fact, I do feel guilty for exposing myself to personal attacks by revealing aspects of my private life. On the flip side though, a social event at the company’s office outside working hours is a relaxed, high-trust and friendly environment where you go to meet colleagues and people you like. This is not to say you can act unprofessionally or inappropriate. However, it’s not a hostile environment of a courtroom, where you expect people to try to use anything you say against you. And then condemn you 3 months later when you barely remember what you discussed. Neither is it a social media environment where you expect "cancel culture" weirdos to try to silence you. Would anyone want to go to a social event where the atmosphere is like in a courtroom? Would anyone want to work in such an environment? Diversity workshops encourage people to be open about their sexual preference, if they want to be. In my view it is important to feel comfortable bringing your full self and discussing non-work-related matters in the workplace to maintain good mental health and to build connections and boost collaboration and creativity. Otherwise, a workplace would not be worth staying in.
Albert Einstein once said: "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil but because of the people who don’t do anything about it."
